Whew! One week of finals, and then I'm done. God's been doing some intense stuff in me recently. I've been realizing that a huge part of my life in the past has been centered around violence, and I'm starting to wonder why. Why I've always been so obsessed with guns or hunting, or why in high school I was always reading books about mass murderers and serial killers and capital punishment, or why I own so many guns, or why I carried around a handgun when I lived in the middle of nowhere.

Is violence a source of pride for me? Am I seeking to exercise control over others, to gain power over others, through guns? Do I take more pride in being able to defend myself more than I do in being able to love others? Do I use hunting as a way to act out my aggression and desire for control? Why have I spent thousands of dollars on guns and knives? Why do I think so often about violent acts?

As with so many other things, the problem is not with the object, but with the heart. God could care less about a piece of steel. He cares about the condition of my heart, and my ability to love others. When I came back from being overseas, I felt God tell me to sell all of my guns. I really didn't like that idea, and rejected it immediately. But it's starting to make sense now...guns are not a source of life for me, they lead me to a cold heart. A heart filled with fear, fear of others attacking me. A heart that believes the lie that God is not in control. They lead me to believe the lie that I can control others, and that I am better than others because I am carrying a powerful tool. Lame!

It's really all bad.... I felt so strongly about this that I took my revolver to the pawn shop last week and sold it.

I'm becoming free. Praise Jesus!