pearl of africa - summer 09

Whew! One week of finals, and then I'm done. God's been doing some intense stuff in me recently. I've been realizing that a huge part of my life in the past has been centered around violence, and I'm starting to wonder why. Why I've always been so obsessed with guns or hunting, or why in high school I was always reading books about mass murderers and serial killers and capital punishment, or why I own so many guns, or why I carried around a handgun when I lived in the middle of nowhere.

Is violence a source of pride for me? Am I seeking to exercise control over others, to gain power over others, through guns? Do I take more pride in being able to defend myself more than I do in being able to love others? Do I use hunting as a way to act out my aggression and desire for control? Why have I spent thousands of dollars on guns and knives? Why do I think so often about violent acts?

As with so many other things, the problem is not with the object, but with the heart. God could care less about a piece of steel. He cares about the condition of my heart, and my ability to love others. When I came back from being overseas, I felt God tell me to sell all of my guns. I really didn't like that idea, and rejected it immediately. But it's starting to make sense now...guns are not a source of life for me, they lead me to a cold heart. A heart filled with fear, fear of others attacking me. A heart that believes the lie that God is not in control. They lead me to believe the lie that I can control others, and that I am better than others because I am carrying a powerful tool. Lame!

It's really all bad.... I felt so strongly about this that I took my revolver to the pawn shop last week and sold it.

I'm becoming free. Praise Jesus!

writing = vulnerability

Gunshots around the corner. Warm breezes. Dogs barking. Always barking. Birds chirping.
Sirens. Always sirens. Baby's crying. Hispanic music and rap and somebody's using my piano...

Jesus. Selfishness everywhere. Even the Christians, hiding, very cautious, full of fear.

Young guy banging on my window at 2am. wants to talk. Should I just go through the redlight?

2am. The man under the car is folded in half. The car is upside down. I'm holding the stretcher. The jaws of life aren't working. Not big enough. They need more jacks...this is taking too long, minutes have turned into an hour, they still can't get him out, they're getting frantic now and the paramedic is crawling under the car and is sticking him with an IV in each arm. I can see a little blood and I didn't know the human body could do that and I'm still holding the stretcher...and wait, now he's coming out and the firefighters are all shouting, and he's slipping as he slides off the backboard and wait...wait....he's totally drunk...he's laughing ... he looks up at the paramedic and says 'well isn't she hot...' and I want to punch him but I strap him down and load him into the back of the ambulance and slam the door shut. after all, it's now 3am.

Jumping 14,100 ft

Thanks Riley for the picture. I would highly recommend jumping out of an airplane! Once per lifetime is enough though...

I don't want to be the same person that I was yesterday. I don't want to deal with the same personal problems, the same temptations, the same bitterness or anger over and over again tomorrow. I don't want to stuck in a cycle of selfishness and judgemental attitudes towards others. I don't want to be the same hateful, spiteful person tomorrow that I was today.

Tomorrow, I want to be different. And even more different the next day. We have all been given years and years to let God change us, piece by piece. But if we're not changing, if we're not seeing transformation, if we're still dealing with the same issues that we were dealing with two or three years ago, something might be wrong! God has fresh life for everyone - it's our own stubborness that prevents us from becoming more like Jesus.

Tomorrow, I want to be a man with more love for others. I want to love more and judge less. I want to know God more deeply than I did today. Tomorrow, I want to be humbler, simpler, and more child-like in my faith. I want to serve people more tomorrow, I want to wash more feet, and listen more. I want to more full of life, fuller of Living Water. More radiant. More full of joy.

Tomorrow, I don't want to do more things. I want to be different. I want to let God change me. I'm far from perfect, and I'm never going to change if I don't crave transformation. Tommorrow, I will decide to do things differently than the day before. To live that change that I want... And I'm gonna keep changing, every day, to be more and more like Him.

external processing

how is it possible that my life ended up this busy??? I'm doing this stuff:

• 20 hrs of research a week
• prison ministry on thursday nights
• small church every tuesday night
• 4 classes plus homeworks
• uganda water project
• maintain relationships with friends
• homeless ministry friday nights
• relationship with my Father
• bunch of little stuff

i get no exercise, no rest, no sleep...but i'm learning alot, and i'm fairly happy...

But I need to bring it back to priorities:

Number 1: relationship with God. If I don't get my time in the morning with Him, everything else is a waste of time. Everything has to revolve around this....i have to fight everyday to make sure I get my hour with Him. It's a war, and i have to win it.

Number 2: school.. need to be responsible to what God has called me to...the team I'm working with is doing amazing stuff - they seem to be the only people at Baylor that are doing anything useful, but i'm glad to be a part of it! it's a huge priviledge to work with them and learn everything that I am. however, this does mean i have to say no to my friends alot.

Number 3: the Church... being part of it in Waco, what that means.. Church is Christian friends, non-Christian friends, witnessing, outreach, sunday worship, accountability, prayer...

As long as I can keep this all in mind, i'm going to be ok!

Kyler

His name was Kyler, looked spanish. I sat down next to him and started asking questions. He was 14. He knew lots of martial arts - karate and tae kwon do and some other stuff... He didn't look at me when he talked, but he was happy to talk... He has never met his dad..doesn't even know his name. He was adopted and raised by his aunt, and he didn't know he was adopted until he was 8, and that's when he started getting into trouble. He likes his aunt's husband, and would never get into trouble when he was around, but then they divorced. He started getting into a lot of trouble at 12... Now he's locked up in here, the juvie prison, for a long time. His daughter was born 2 months ago. His girl is 13. He gets real angry when guys start talking about his girl. He wants to see his daughter. He prays for her.

The first time he saw his real mom he tried to kill her. He pointed and pulled the trigger, but the handgun jammed. He cleared it, but it jammed again. He cleared it again, but it jammed a third time. Then he thought, maybe I shouldn't kill her. So he didn't kill her. His mom doesn't hold it against him. She was only mad that he has a daughter now.

Two months ago, my roommate went to the juvie prison and led Kyler into a relationship with God. And that's why I'm telling this story. There's lots of sad stories out there. But I'm telling you - this kid was changed. He wasn't what anyone would expect. He had peace. Kyler is reading through John and learning about being a Christian. Most of his fellow inmates aren't Christians, but he's chosen to be different. His life seemed over at 12, but now God is transforming and rescuing him. And that's why I follow Jesus - cause He's real to people. He changes lives. He makes all things new.

questions of late...

Whoever said I could follow Jesus and my life wouldn't be changed 180 degrees?

When I wake up every morning, do I think to myself: 'I am a missionary. My goal is to love GodIsLove and to preach the gospel to my neighbors"?

When I look at you, do I stereotype you, or fear you, or envy you, or lust about you, or think about how different you are from me, or avoid you, or hate you, or want you, or judge you, or put you on a pedestal, or look with disgust, or do I see through it and look with love from GodIsLove?

Am I thinking more about my church and how they do things and what church ministries I'm involved with, or do I think more about Jesus and being obedient to His commands?

Is church my social club?

Is God good enough to entertain me?

What if following Jesus hurts?

Dear Beloved,

God approves you, and loves you.  He values you!  His opinion of you is the only one that matters. And He sees you as His treasured possession!  So get out there and live like it!

Sincerely,

me

real Jesus

Jesus on the radio, Jesus on a late-night show
Jesus in a dream, looking all serene
Jesus on a steeple, Jesus in the Gallup poll
Jesus has His very own brand of rock and roll

Watched him on the silver screen
Bought the action figurine
But Jesus is the only name that makes you flinch

Oh, can anybody show me the real Jesus?
Oh, let Your love unveil the mystery of the real Jesus

Jesus started something new
Jesus coined a phrase or two
Jesus split the line at the turning point of time
Jesus sparked a controversy
Jesus, known for His mercy, gave a man his sight
Jesus isn't white

Jesus loves the children, holds the lambs
Jesus prays a lot
Jesus has distinguishing marks on His hands

If anybody walks behind the Good Shepherd
If anybody holds the hands that heal lepers
And if you recognize the eyes that see forever, please...

Jesus, Jesus
Oh, can anybody show me Jesus
Oh, let Your love unveil the glory, the real Jesus

Oh, can anybody show me the real Jesus?
Oh, let Your love unveil the glory of the real Jesus, the real Jesus